Thursday, January 5, 2012

Things My Wife Has had to Deal With...

I realize that I may be giving the impression that Sidney's gestation has been a source of amusement and bemusement for me alone. Far from that, the truth is that my Wife (obviously) has been the one to bear the full brunt of Sidney's continuing journey to this point (T-minus 16 days or so).  Nowhere near a comprehensive list, here are the highlights (or lowlights) as I have observed them:

1) Nothing fits. Now, the uninitiated may sit back and scoff "well, she's pregnant, of course her pre-maternity clothing stop fitting."  The problem with this line of reasoning is that it misreads my statement, to wit, nothing fits.  Sure, it started with just her pre-maternity clothing getting tighter around the baby bump, and this expanded (you're damn straight pun intended) to her bras, but all that was just the tip of the Sidney Belly Modification™ program.  With regular clothes not being able to handle his co-opted space, maternity clothes were purchased, but, for awhile, these were too big and didn’t really fit either.  Somehow, this kid managed to make it go from “too big” to “nope, too small” in a blink.  Before you could say “end of the second trimester” maternity shirts, maternity pants, shoes, maternity shoes (yes, these exist, I had no idea) and finally my over-sized t-shirts were no longer roomy enough in the “baby is causing havoc here” area.  My Wife is a tiny woman, the concept of her not fitting into clothing that is supposed to accommodate a pregnant belly is baffling ... until you see the baby belly in profile; she’s basically trying to shoplift a 30lb medicine ball.  Our child has decided to install a 3 bedroom apartment, with entry foyer, in a space that originally barely allowed for a studio (no kitchen, and half bath ... this joke will most likely only be funny to city dwellers).  The fact is, however, that she has continued to soldier on and look gorgeous while doing it.  Meanwhile, my pants fit slightly tight after a holiday meal and I start whining about needing to get to the gym.  I am amazed she has not smothered me in my sleep.

2) Heart burn. You know those antacid commercials that show someone grimacing and rubbing their sternum because they have heart burn?  Or, sometimes, they embellish with some fire animation in the chest area?  This is nothing.  From what I can tell, pregnancy turns your upper digestive tract into the bastard child of a steel forging mill, lava lake and the burning city of Dis.  From the discomfort I see my wife in, I assume her esophagus has been turned into a channel of pyroclastic debris.  The poor woman goes through Tums at a rate that I am amazed every cough, sneeze or fart (women fart, get over it; and we’re not even getting to pregnant women) is not accompanied by a cloud of chalk.  Oh, and did I mention she cannot take most antacid medications because she’s pregnant?  That’s right, Sidney turns her stomach into Krakatoa and then prevents her from dousing the flames with anything other than the aforementioned chalk.  This kid is lucky his Mom loves him. 

3) Insomnia.  The old “say goodbye to sleep” adage is slightly off.  It does not start once the child arrives, it starts right around the moment of conception.  Between morning sickness in the beginning, the previously discussed “pregnant women pee a lot” (like it being the middle of the night is going to stop that) through out, and the “for the love of whatever deity you call to in moments of distress, I have a 30lb medicine ball re-arranging my insides” at the end, you’re pretty much up all night.  Of course, the tossing, turning and constant trips to the loo mean that your mate gets to share in your sleep deprivation experiment.  For my part, I grumble, grouse and occasionally ask in a panic "holy crap are you in labor?" to which she calmly says no and reminds me she is simply in discomfort due to my child which she is bearing (ok, occaisonally there is a smidge less calm and a touch of glare when she says it).  Given that she is already up, I am amazed she has not smothered me in my sleep.  An interesting side effect of her insomnia is that has seen a sharp uptick in sales of crap books from the Kindle store.  Suddenly the relative success of many authors makes more sense to me: pregnant women across the world are buying books in bulk, regardless of quality, just to make it through the night. 
4) Everyone is full of advice, and some serve it with an attitude.  Yes, yes … I am sure they are all well meaning, but when the barista “refuses”, with an extra shot of righteous indignation, to serve my wife a latte because “pregnant women should not be drinking coffee”, it’s time to take a step back.  Last I checked, a medical degree was not a pre-requisite for a job making caramel double skim no whip but extra syrup macchiatos (extra shot of pretention standard).  Although the lass’s erstwhile concern is appreciated, and her righteous indignation ignored because … well … seriously?, the treating physician said it was ok to have one cup a day and little miss “I read this somewhere on the internet” should drop the attitude and make with the latte.  In the same vein was the supermarket clerk whom on New Year’s Eve pointed out the “pregnant women should not drink alcohol” sign to my wife, also with an attitude, as she tried to purchase a last minute bottle of champagne for the night’s toast.  Really lady?  It’s New Year’s Eve and you think she’s buying the bottle for herself?  Again, the intent is appreciated, but why not add the “thought” to the “thoughtfulness” before giving a pregnant woman an attitude.  That’s all I am saying.
5) Her husband.  Have you been reading this blog?  Can you imagine the type of guy that would write this blog?  Hell, read the previous paragraph.  I am unapologetically sarcastic, judgmental and honest.  And my wife puts up with me.  I am truly amazed she has not smothered me in my sleep.


  1. This is amazing. It seriously needs to become a book.

  2. Glad you like it. Stay tuned for updates (hopefully) twice a week at a minimum. Or, you know, as often as I do stupid enough things worthy of imortalizing on the interwebs.

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  4. Give it time, you are only safe for the moment because your wife can't get the pillow into a proper postion without Sidney getting in the way. Once he arrives however, I would sleep with one eye open. :D See you in a few weeks.... I plan on seriously spoiling that child, and perhaps I can be persuaded (if so desired) to babysit for a while. By the time I get there the tar poop will be finished so I might not even save his presents for you and the wife!

  5. Lol. I seriously love this!! And congrats to you and your wife!!

  6. Just wait until the hard labor part...she'll swear you are the devil and did this to her as a way of punishing her for past sins. This too will pass and then you'll be faced with a whole other set of issues. Oh the joys of parenthood!

  7. Thanks! Hope you keep reading about our adventures.

  8. All of these are true. Especially that part about how she obviously loves you because she hasn't smothered you for whining a bit about "ehhh, my pants are too tight, ehhhh." (*pointed look at my adoring husband, who will likely show up in these comments*)

    1. Glad you are enjoying the blog and hope you keep reading. And your adoring husband does not deserve to be smothered in his sleep either. (pssst ... Mike ... sleep with one eye open, just in case.)