We’re sitting at T-Minus 4 days and, as you can imagine, we are getting antsy for Sidney’s arrival. Well, to be more accurate, I am getting antsy. My Wife, on the other hand, is ready for this child to issue forth so that she can get her body back. It’s a subtle distinction, I realize, but one worth noting. She has been absolutely amazing throughout the pregnancy, dealing with all manner of annoyances (as we’ve discussed) with aplomb, but she’s reached the part where this baby need not be inside anymore. As it happens, however, babies apparently don’t care what you are or are not ready for, and will move at their own damn pleasure. I know this not only from observing My Wife’s belly, but everyone tells me this every chance they get; I wish that last sentence were hyperbole (kids are hard work, I get it). All of this being said, we being the stubborn, if not still idealistic, parents-to-be, research has been done (I know, you’re shocked) in to things that may move this whole “baby coming out” process along. Here are the most popular (according to me). Oh, and, yes, I also comment on each (the hell you say).
1) Having the doctor “strip the membranes”. Now, I start with this one not only because it is the most scientifically sound (hey, it’s the only one performed by a doctor on the list, that makes it scientific), but because that is exactly what my Wife’s doctor is doing to her today. It turns out that the procedure is just as disturbing as it sounds. For the uninitiated, there a mucous membrane/mass develops during pregnancy and, to be simplistic about it, blocks the birthing canal. Essentially, it separates the baby carrying uterus from the baby issuing cervix. So, what the doctor does is … well … reach in and strip this membrane out. I’ll wait here while you get that image out of your head. To avoid re-inserting (yes that was on purpose) this grating (also intended) image from your mind, I will hereafter use a less sticky (ok, last one) metaphor for birthing. So, this … launch pad readying procedure … usually happens naturally as the baby starts the launch sequence, but if the count is running behind, having the doctor do this can speed up the count-down. We’ll let you know if it worked, or if we were just scraping the barrel with the thought (ok, I lied, sue me).
2) Eat spicy food. Interesting concept if only because I have no idea how it would work for women whom already eat lots of spicy food and enjoy it. Is there a sudden drop in curry sales in certain communities during pregnancies? Does the mother have to increase the Scoville ratings of her foods by some particular interval to trigger the effect? Do hot-wing eating competitions precede spikes in labor/delivery room visitations? The questions are boundless. With regards to my Wife, she is not exactly a spicy food enthusiast, so I don’t see this as being high on her list. Then again, depending how long the launch sequence takes to queue up, she may say damn the heart burn and thrust that will follow (see, I can make fart jokes classy honey) and grab the bottle of Tabasco.
3) Walk a lot. She’s already doing this, and to no avail (case in point, the doctors is … prepping the launch pad … today). To be fair, she’s also not doing it alone. She and Nana are walking close to 3 miles a day (Nana’s actually stuck with an extra 2 miles) thanks to Nana and the Admiral’s (Sidney’s grandpa; entertaining story for another time) two adorable dogs that have not quite acclimated to NYC living. More to the point, they will only pee and poo on grass, and the nearest grass to our apartment is Central Park (about .4 miles from the apartment). So 3 times a day (5 for Nana) they walk to Central Park, walk around Central Park until the puppies go potty (this phrase is taken verbatim from Nana) and then walk home. For those keeping score, those are 3 long (5 for Nana) walks, in what has been very cold weather, a day. No labor.
4) Eat lots of pineapple. As with the spicy food, this one is wrought with questions of regular dietary intake and circumstantial evidence. In any event, we have not tried it yet, but I may be getting a call from my Wife any moment to pick up 5 pineapples on the way home because this kid is still not budging. Who knows, maybe a combination of pineapples and capsaicin produces the birth triggering hormone equivalent of liquid oxygen and hydrogen for booster rockets. I also acknowledge this metaphor is getting a bit strained.
5) Sex. Right about now the Admiral has his fingers in his ears and is humming the first song that came to mind, Nana is asking “yeah, what of it?”, and Abuelo is telling Abuela that they are skipping this paragraph. Worry not grandparents, we’re not lingering here for two important reasons. First, nobody wants to hear about it (and if you do, I can have Uncle R send you some links to tide you over), and second, my wife is 9 months pregnant. Now, this is not a “my Wife is 9 months pregnant, ewww.” To the contrary, she’s as beautiful as ever. No, this is a “my Wife is 9 months pregnant … her back hurts, her legs hurt, she gets insane heart burn if she leans back too far, can’t breath if she is on her back, is smuggling a 35 lb medicine ball that creates one hell of a barrier, oh and did I mention the raging hormones that take her from tears to laughter in moments.” I seriously think whomever came up with this suggestion did so exclusively by studying anatomical diagrams of a pregnant woman and concluding “yep, sexual congress is still a statistical possibility.” Real world people, it would be a logistical nightmare. This being said, if this kid does not budge soon my Wife may maul me while holding a pineapple in one hand and jalapeno in the other.
For now, we’re still waiting, but this kid better come soon because I am running out of material. As a reminder, whenever he does decide to make his entrance, I’ll be live tweeting as much of the event as I can (meaning until my Wife grabs on to me and starts yelling to get the kid out of her) so be sure to follow.