Wednesday, January 4, 2012

So your wife is 9 months pregnant...

Some of the things I have discovered during my wife’s pregnancy:

1) All roads must lead to, and have multiple stop-offs in-between for, bathrooms.  To be more specific, she’s going to need to pee often.  I don’t mean “often” as in “hey, didn’t you just go a half hour ago”, I mean often, as in “What do you mean you have to go again, didn’t you literally just flush the toilet?!” Going for a drive? You better program every possible pit stop location into the GPS.  Going for a walk?  Familiarize yourself with every publicly available restroom on the route. Going to a movie? She better sit on the aisle seat closest to the door. Going to the bathroom? Too late, she’s already in there. I am amazed the folks that make Depends have not branched off into the pregnant woman market. Of course, they’d have to switch the name from “Depends” to “Certainty.”

2) Commercials are the saddest things on the planet.  You know when the ubiquitous “they” say “pregnant women are emotional”?  Well, “they” understated it.  Commercials will cause more tears than watching the ends of Old Yeller, Marley and Me and War Horse back-to-back-to-back.  And I am not just talking the mushy long distance commercials or that Sarah Mclachlan knife-to-the-heart animal rescue commercial (goddamnit, why is it so dusty in here), I mean any commercial that invokes thoughts of babies, families, happiness, sadness, loneliness, celebration or death.  By the way, “invoke” means “invokes in her hormone enhanced mind”.  Case in point, my wife has decreed that a current Lowes commercial which follows a couple through the years as they build their house is about death.  Why?  Because if they are showing their life together, the inevitable next step is that they die - cue waterworks.  My advice?  Avoid commercials … and home improvement stores.

3) The joke “are you sure you aren’t carrying twins” is not funny … to your wife.

4) Einstein was slightly off.  Not only is time relative, but so is distance.  Specifically, distances between your wife and food are shorter than distances between your wife and anything else.  No, seriously.  The remote and the sandwich only appear to be the same distance from your wife; a fact that will be made salient when she grabs the sandwich, but asks that you hand her the remote because it is obviously out of reach.  I think it has something do with the acceleration of objects through a digestive tract … or the like.

5) The question “do you know the color of your shoes” is not funny … to your wife.

6) No, seriously, pregnant women pee a lot.

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